April 2, 2007

Today we broke up. Again. No wonder I have only cried once. I didn't want him to leave and had sweet and demure memories until he would open his mouth. He was strict about leaving, almost like he was insisting I had insisted. Using me as his excuse to leave. Manipulative. And so on. Until all I can think of is the anger that consumes me when he talks. I could not love him. There is no way. No way can you love someone and go out with other people behind his back. I felt bad doing it, but it was a once in a lifetime chance. Plus, I think God has been trying to give me signs to get out of this relationship for a long time. I have just chosen to walk around with my eyes closed. Everyone told me he was a loser. What did I see in him? Virginia, he is married. Virginia, you will be number three. Virginia, he is putting you down. Why didn't I listen until now? I have even written other journals at times like this to get him off my chest. I feel like my life keeps going in circles and I continue to relive the same day or sequence of days over and over.

How could he leave a few hours ago with all of his stuff and now text me 'Will you come save me, I am at...' ?? I can't keep giving in to these games. I should go to church. I need to stop eating to make me feel better. I have mental problems and won't admit it to myself.